Are you a thinkaholic?

My latest column in Cosmo:

Have you ever dated a guy and found you are thinking and worrying about stuff like why he is not calling, what he thinks of you, or if you’re really in love with him?

You know, when your mind goes blah-blah-blah about big and small things…

Oh, friend, all that thinking is exhausting for you! What’s more, it puts your relationship at risk! You’re focussing all your energy on worrying instead of just living in the moment.

According to Gerald Klerman and Myrna Weissman, from Columbia University, our generation is the most depressed ever. The reason? Because we can live and be however we want. I know, it’s weird, right? Apparently, our grandma’s life was way much easier, since society “told” her to get married in her early 20s, have children and so on.
So what can you do if you have become a “thinkaholic” who spends valuable time repeating a lot of worries in your head?

It’s easy! Here are some tricks:
1. Become aware of the thoughts, how they look and when they tend to enter your head. Tell yourself they are not for real, but just created by you.
2. Learn how to swap negative thoughts for positive ones. If you for example think “I’m not sure if he wants to meet me again”, think instead “We had a good time – I’d like to see him again”.
3. Every time you find yourself worrying, say “stop” and distract your mind. Go for a run or do a crossword, something that forces you away from the worried thoughts.
4. Don’t talk about it with friends! The more you talk about your worries, the worse they get. If you are going to chat with your chicks, think “solutions” instead of “problems”.
5. Enjoy yourself and smile!

By Carolin Dahlman

http://www.cosmopolitan.com.au/are_you_a_thinkaholic.htm

Warning for the pick up artists

As a love coach I am sometimes seen as similar to the different "dating coaches" there are out there, like the director from Get hitched (http://www.gethitched.net.au/) I think this is very disturbing. When he on top of that steals my own words to use for his purposes I get upset.

Gethitched runs workshop on "love" but most of the times they are all about picking up and getting laid, and the result is more broken hearts around the world. The owner was interviewed in a newspaper last year, bragging about how many women he had slept with and what a player he was. He admitted he had never been faithful to a girlfriend. Later on he was on The Morning Show talking about how to create a cheat-free relationship. Hmm

I dislike these kind of men. I think they are the dark demons in the world of love. Love is white, pure and warm. The dating gurus of various kinds are evil and destructive. They make the world's love energy weaker.

I am sorry for all men or woman who get into these boy's trap, teased by the thought of "attracting" and "seducing" millions of singles. All they get is a screwed up outlook of relationship.

Please everyone, avoid these demons. Turn to the light. To YOU. Your love starts from within.

Yahoo answers

I have become a knowledge partner for Yahoo Answers, which means I reply one question every day for free. It's great fun. Ask questions on http://au.answers.yahoo.com/

If you want me to reply to your love questions I offer this for $10 each. Awesome if you don't want to do the whole coaching package but still get professional help with your love life.

You are wonderful

You are a beautiful person. You are such a pleasure to be with, and you give so much to others.

Welcome to the workshop

This is your chance

Find love and stay in love! No matter how in love you are, after a while all relationships need some caring to stay healthy and happy. Learn how to create the loving relationship you’ve always dreamt of. Come to this talk and start attracting more love into your life.

The Love Coach Carolin Dahlman has been seen in Cosmopolitan, Yahoo7, The Morning show, Daily Telegraph, Sydney morning herald etc. Her coaching book “Find Love” is now in book stores ($28).

Free talk 6-8 pm on April 15 in Sydney cbd. More details about location: workshop@coaching2love.com

Your attitude is the key to love

A professor at Oxford University have perfected a model whereby they can calculate whether the relationship will succeed. It's all about what attitude you have towards each other. Read the article: http://www.smh.com.au/news/lifeandstyle/lifematters/love-by-numbers/2009/03/27/1237657116307.html

This attitude is something you can work on! You can choose to be negative or positive. It all starts from within you. It has really little to do with who your partner is, it is more about how you choose to relate to each other.

If you want to learn a new pattern, please come to me for love coaching.

I also offer a free talk about my book and relationships at 6 pm on April 15 in Sydney city. Email me if you want to come along: coach@coaching2love.com

How to get him back!

I'm borrowing some advice from Terry MacDonald from http://www.marrysmart.com/who is a smart woman!! In her latest newsletter she wrote:

Oh, no! The guy you're crazy about finally gave you a little attention, and you swooped on him like a parakeet on the last cracker in the cage. Now you're horrified and praying that you never see him again.
Hold on.
Believe it or not, there's hope. It is indeed possible to save face and even rekindle the man's interest by doing one simple thing the next time you run into him: Be cool. In other words, smile, wave, and keep moving.
Make this your mantra. Smile, wave, and keep moving.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:
Put yourself in his place. You're out one night, and an otherwise attractive guy showers you with undivided attention, tries to impress you by bragging about his job, and so on. You're flattered but turned off. The guy's obviously a jerk, but you flounce home feeling good about yourself. You've got the goods, and men are noticing.
But the next time you run into the guy, he plays it cool. Instead of rushing over and gushing all over you, he merely smiles, waves, and keeps moving. It's not exactly a blow off, but it does throw you. Did you have him all wrong? Maybe you'd only imagined his interest. How much had you to drink, exactly? Did you do something to turn him off?
His sudden lack of passion intrigues you. You find yourself wondering about him. You ask around about him. You decide that his job did seem pretty interesting. He really wasn't bad looking. It suddenly occurs to you that you could definitely do a lot worse.
Do you see how this works?
While it's never a good idea to deliberately come on too strong to a guy (ideally, you should be friendly and confident), most of us have done it. Play it cool the next time you see him, and you may recapture his attention. At the very least, you'll recover your dignity.
Smile, wave, and keep moving.

Happy after infidelity

A few years ago I happened to pass by my boyfriend’s phone when it was ringing and I saw a girl’s name appear on the screen. At 11pm. I then realised how often he took his phone with him into the bathroom or how he got text messages without spontaneously telling me who they were from. It was a painful period, and of course it turned out he had another girl in his life… Now they live together and I’m happy in my love life, but it still hurts when I’m thinking of it. The fighting, worrying, wondering. The lies.

Me and the guy broke up and moved on, but sometimes infidelity is just an interruption in an otherwise happy relationship. It’s most times hard or impossible to justify or understand, but if the life you have together is larger than a drunken incident or a moment of inhibitions, you might give love a chance.

If you want to save your marriage or relationship, this is how:

See the cheating as a big black demon coming into your relationship. It doesn’t matter who was responsible for the act; both of you are hurt and damaged; one is feeling betrayed and the other ashamed. But the problem is best treated if it’s seen as something outside of the relationship that both of you have to fight off, move on from and leave it behind.

If you don’t see the cheating as a shared problem, the post cheating phase can easily turn into a blame game where you play “victim and criminal”. If you keep on dwelling the past, you will be trapped in the negative emotions and memories. If you spend your time and energy finding ways to be happy from now on it will be easier to move on.

This means it is important that you don’t try to find answers or explanations for what happened if there are no rational reasons. Human beings are not always acting smart and we don’t always act according to our values. Sometimes we get carried away and loose control. Only look at the answer to the question “why did it happen?” if you also answer “How can we prevent it from happening again? Accept that the dark demon came in to your life and that you want a brighter future. The good guys win.

Trust is the key to move on. You need to promise each other that you want to be together full on. You want to love and be loved. You want to be a team - strong and happy together. Tell your partner what you like about your relationship and listen to them.

Trust doesn’t come from “I will never do this again”, but from “I want to love YOU and create a good life together”.

Cheating is very selfish. It can’t be justified. The cheater hurts other people, and if you have children you betray them too. But if you and your spouse seriously want to fix things between you, you seriously have to let go of the past.

Create a new contract between you. Sit down, hug and kiss, and make promises and plans around these areas:
- What will make you feel loved?
- How can I make you happy?
- What can I do in my life or my own personal development to make our relationship happier?
- Can we spend more time together, give more compliments, have more sex, go out more with friends etc…?

Trust is of course crucial for the future together. Ask:
- Can I choose to trust my loved one?
- What do I need (words, promises, attitude, new routines) to be able to trust my partner?
- Can I get that?
- If I can’t get it, can I still trust?
- What does my partner need from me to feel happy in the relationship?

Bitterness and grief is a choice. Happiness and moving on is another. It’s up to you.

Yes, it is that easy.

Ask me on Yahoo

Every day I answer a question for free at Yahoo7 Answers: http://au.answers.yahoo.com/my/my;_ylt=AgO.iD1uEDXasewDBZFDKOvG5gt.;_ylv=3

If you want further help with your issues I charge $10 per personal answer. http://www.coaching2love.com/Pricesandpackages.htm

Love can last forever

New research show that love can survive years of everyday duties together. The researcher "acknowledges five generally accepted factors for successful coupling:

first, a lack of stressful external factors, such as living in a war zone, being poor, being discriminated against, or having a child die;

second, neither party being highly anxious or depressed;

third, good communication skills, and the ability to resolve conflicts and support each other;

fourth, doing novel, challenging, exciting things together on a regular basis; and

fifth, capitalizing on the other's successes. Aron points to the last factor as particularly important. "If your partner has a success and you can celebrate it with them, that is an unmitigated positive thing for a relationship. Many people just say, 'Oh, that's nice,' and go on with their business."

http://www.canada.com/life/love+last/1418765/story.html

Personal trainer in love

You know the difference between training with a mate and having a professional personal trainer...? It's the same with love coaching. I push you harder, I am more honest, I have the skills... Why not try it? www.coaching2love.com

Happy single parents day

On Saturday the American single parents celebrated The national single parents day! Well, there is always good to have an excuse to party, huh...

http://www.examiner.com/x-3514-Holidays-Examiner~y2009m3d21-National-Single-Parents-Day

Advice for single parents:

- SEE yourself as hot, beautiful and a great catch. The minute you see your kids as a "problem" in your love life, they will be.

- You have everything you need. You have love in your life since you are a mum or dad. The reason for you to have a partner is not for you to be "normal", it is to get more love in your life. But you already have! The happier you are now, the more happiness will come.

Comments?

I would love to get comments on posts to know what you think and feel! Thanks :)

Today

Ooooh looking forward to this beautiful day. A bit nervous, I want it all to be perfect and great. It will be. I expect it to be so it will. We get what we think we will get. Yay. What do you expect to get today?

twitter

Come and check out my life at Twitter. I'm carolindahlman.

Make someone happy today

Yesterday I got reminded of that a key to success and happiness is to give encouragement and compliments to others. So I started spreading words around me and it's so fun!! I tell strangers they are wearing beautiful dresses or hand bags. I smile at people and give nice words to friends and colleagues. It is lovely to give myself the right to be nice. Many times we don't. We get embarrassed, we think it may affect the power balance so they think they are better than us, we don't want to interfer. Well, go out there!!! Make people HAPPY and make yourself happy at the same time.

So happy

Woooooh. Had a fantastic meeting today that went very well. I was nervous before, but yeeeaaaah, it all turned out just fine. So proud of myself for not letting my emotions do the talking. Far to feely for my own good sometimes.
If I can control my feelings, you can control yours too! Whatever happens today, choose the smartest reaction, the feeling that will make you stronger, happier and more in love with you. You always have a choice.

How to get what you want

Business and love

I surely wish I could just do my job, being a coach and a writer, and not having to bother about deals and contracts and stuff. But sometimes you do, and I tend to be far to naive and be ripped off over and over... I trust people too fast, and when they turn out to be crooks I get hurt.

It's the same with love I guess. You need to set boundaries and rules to start with. Set expectations and a framework for the relationships. If you don't stand up for yourself people will stand on you.

Sorry Jason and Antoinetta for me not being totally happy with your work and to post my opinions on this blog. I have deleted the posts. No need to "take legal actions".

What if people just could be nice and do their best for each other. I wish I didn't need to be firm and have demands. I wish the world was easy and happy and friendly so I didn't had to watch my back all the time.

Make a wish

I want you to write down your dreams in terms of wishes. Ask for things to happen. Don't just say "I want to reach this and that", because that puts the pressure on you, but really make sure you wish for it to happen, as if you were not in charge. Trust the bigger energy. Let yourself rest for a while, from the stress of achieving and moving forward. Rest in the idea of making a wish. As if you were a kid, not responsible for your own actions. Listen to your heart for a while, your inner wisdom, your secret honest desires. Sit down with a beautiful notebook or a dodgy napkin and write from your heart. What do you wish for? What would you like? Open up for the unexpected and true message. Breath slowly, smile like Monalisa, feel the love for others and wish, wish, wish.

The action plans, strategies, goal settings and hard work can wait until tomorrow. Today it's your heart, and not your feet or head that's in charge.

There will always be something wrong with them

This morning I coached a client who refused to fall in love with the man she is actually in love with because he had been married before and have kids. She came up with all kinds of excuses to avoid him, since he didn't fit in to her idea about how she would meet the one and live happily ever after.

Well, sometimes the prince have a past. OR... the prince will ALWAYS have a past. A kid, an ex wife or stalking girl friend, a criminal record or an eating disorder. What is your own baggage? What are you carrying around? I know I have stuff I will bring into a relationship and that will cause some trouble. Who hasn't?

Best thing we can do is to deal with what we get on our plate. Learn from it. Accept it and live with it. The more you try to make it go away, the larger and scarier it gets.

A part of my past in the picture, ten kilos heavier... on of my routines is to sort of... grow... in relationships. I'm really keeping an eye on my boy's cake baking this time. Look, don't touch :)

The best boy

is the one you connect with, who bakes brownies for the girls dinner, who hugs you when you cry and want to kiss you first thing in the morning.

What else...?

Dating online is fun

Check my new column at Yahoo7. http://au.dating.yahoo.com/dating-events/experts/carolindahlman_2.html

Happy online dating @ Yahoo!7 Video

Jen enjoys the moment

Jennifer Aniston says being in love makes her happy... Isn't that lovely? She says to People that she's happy at the moment since she is not expecting perfection. She just enjoys the moment, which is the key to happiness. Good on Jen. Let us all follow her model.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20264059,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

Get a sexier life

Ages...

A year ago I was with a man 14 years younger than me. His parents were upset and it all got messy when he turned out to be very young when it came to money, responsibilites and stuff... But is it possible to create a happy relationship with someone out of your age comfort zone? I am not sure but feel free to prove me wrong. I need your input now...

We all cry sometimes, it's a part of life

Dating or love - you choose

Dating columnist Sam Brett has started a booty school and will offer one-on-one coaching. That's great. The more people helping others to fall in love the better. I love "competition". If more people realize that they probably need more than another 10 blind dates to find love, there will be more happy relationships.

Me and pretty Samantha are also so different, that we will complete each other more than compete. She is great at giving people tips on dating and flirting, while my coaching goes far deeper and is maybe more "boring". It takes more time, since it changes patterns and beliefs for life. My coaching can be scary. Sam's is probably more fun :) My coaching is for people who want to find true love, hers is for the fun and playful period of your life. None is better than the other, just different.

Since she is famous I hope her new business will make more men and women aware of the power of one-on-one coaching. Good luck, Sam! :)

If you want to try love coaching with me, please read more on www.coaching2love.com. You get a complimentary first consultation totally without any terms and conditions. I just want to help you!

Nobody is good or bad

We all are both. We are nice and cruel. We have the ability to be bitches or saints, to feel anger and happiness. Some people are better than others in controlling their emotions or behaviour, others just burst out in whatever mood they are in. To say that someone is bad and another is good is false though. We are both.

I have my moments when I get frustrated and want to give back at anyone. I can be a bitch. But I can for sure also be a lovely person. I wish I could control myself better since I sometimes loose it. But my closeness to my feelings is also my gift when working with clients. My sensitivity is both good and bad.

Nothing in life is easy... We just have to accept and live with it.

Cheating

I'm going to write an article on cheating and wonder what kind of issues you would like me to address. Have you been the victim of cheating? Have you been tempted...? And if you saved your relationship, how did you do it?

Kissing is lovely

I absolutely LOVE a good kiss. Wow...

More colours on my website

Hello lovely reader, I am colouring my webpage. I add more and more colour every day because I've realized how much colour means and that it makes me happy :) It's also mirroring my personality in a better way. What do you think? Does my page look funny? lol

www.coaching2love.com